Dive In

So, I haven't put up anything in a while. I try to do at least one a week, but a lot has happened. I wrote about four columns in my head, but never had a chance to put them down. I kept the whole concept of "diving in" and leaping without looking, not being afraid to just jump in, to not test the water but just dive in and experience it. I had this concept in my head a lot these past several days. Diving into financial uncertainty by quitting my job. Diving into dumpsters to get tons of free food. Diving into the lake and swimming out until I was exhausted. Diving into a road trip to my parents place. Diving into a future where I'm not so obsessed with money. Diving into uncertainty. And now, after these last few hours, I have no water to dive into anymore. The water to the house I rent has been turned off. Apparently a pipe has cracked, and from what I have gathered, it won't be an easy fix. And this happens during the time of summer where you wake up covered in a film of sweat, and that's before you even move or attempt to leave the bed. The phrase "bad timing" does not begin to capture the moment. It's one thing to be sweating constantly, it's completely different to know there is no cold shower waiting for you. Not even a chance to stick your head under the faucet. All signs point to diving into balmy unpleasantness. I'd much prefer diving into cool wonderfulness. I had such vitality after I quit my job, such energy and hope. I thought I would feel more free, less chained. Less restricted. Not so captured. But it's not really happening. I still worry about paying bills, staying out of debt and keeping it all held together. Between the extended weekend and my parents house, the heatwave, the broken pipe I haven't got any solid leads on a new job yet. It hasn't hit "danger zone" area just yet, but everyday is a day without money coming in. Since I don't have to leave the house really, I was intent on getting back into my work out groove. It had been thrown off due to the holiday and post quitting food binges. And now that I can't shower afterward, not to mention it being balls hot all friggin day long, I have no way to work out. I can't get in full fledged work out mode, and then not be able to shower. That is a sweaty mess no one needs to lay eyes on. So all my gusto for diving into a new direction of my life has kind of been defeated. That tide has gone out. Now the waves of anxiousness and uncertainty are hitting me again, threatening to pull me under. Once again, I'm just trying to keep my head above the water. On a side note, the other day when I was in the lake, it was the most free I'd felt in ages. Being out there in such a huge, encompassing body of water, treading water as the waves lapped over me. Staring out and not seeing an end, feeling vulnerable and powerful all at once. Taking in the force around me, but being weary of it at the same time. It was wonderful....

You see, the funny thing about diving, is it's a lot like falling. But diving is supposed to be more graceful, more intentional, have more meaning and poetic significance. But it can still just be painful flop. A giant splat. The only difference between a splat and a splash is two letters. That is a very small amount of room to error.


"...diving is itself a hazardous sport. To do it without any training is tantamount to playing Russian roulette with a loaded revolver..." -Robert F. Burgess