I'm fairly certain that the people of South America could turn a profit on my urine. It is so overly saturated with caffeine, be it from coffee or tea, that the bathroom smells like Starbucks before I flush. I am beginning to think I'm unbalanced. Or highly dosed. Sometimes I stay in bed for eight hours and get no rest, other times I pass out in my car for an hour and come to ready for a marathon. I feel like I keep the schedule of a high powered lawyer, or a cop, or a stripper. But since I don't have a star trek phone glued to my ear, or get to carry a gun, or sequined bikini, no one gets how tiring it can be and out of whack I am. I keep catching flak for staying in bed all day, but it's not like I sleep for the whole time. It's hard to sleep during the day, and not just because of the noise level. Which is a big factor. But it's also the fact that it's hard to reprogram your bodies natural sleep order, especially when I've been following that for twenty some years. So now I'm sorta dependent on drinks and pills. Nothing alcoholic and nothing illegal. I promise. If I did either one of those, that'd really push me over the edge. You know what keeps happening to me, people keep "shushing" me. Which is bullshit. I keep getting poked in the ribs, metaphorically, by the guys and I keep biting back, metaphorically(for now at least), but then someone steps in and tries to diffuse me. Either a girlfriend, or another housemate or the pup. That keeps pissing me off even more. Sooner or later the people around me are going to learn that if I am truly angry, it gets loud. It get's loud and I prove my points. And I make people listen. It's not about always being right, but I never really make a fuss, so when I do I know I'm right. Plus it's about making people know where I'm coming from. I repeat myself far too often. No one hears it when I speak. Which, in some way, is my fault. I blend easily. I tend to wash dishes when trying to make a point. Or clean a table when stating my case. Or I just say the whole thing in my head and offer to make a pot of coffee. So, I'm guessing, people remember the action I'm doing instead of what I'm saying. Now I'm at the point in my life where, when I speak, I want attentive ears. I want focus. I want a Batman voice instead of a Robin whisper. But since everyone already perceives me as a dish washing whisper, I'm going to have to make some changes. I'm trying to not lean towards physical violence, but that keeps coming to the front of my mind. The top of the list. The control of my knuckles. Honestly, I don't have time to keep finding ways to quietly deal with my frustrations. I should be spending time on other things. Like doing my taxes. Studying my PT workbook. Working out to build muscle, and not just doing wild cardio routines to drain the bad juju out of me. Or writing. I would love to be in a mood to write. Besides writing on here. This is only pseudo writing. And mostly I use this as a vehicle to drive away my frustrations. Crashing them into the five people who read this damn thing. You know, once upon a time this was a lot more Carrie Bradshaw and a lot less Terry Bradshaw. Back in the day it was romance, and wit and cleverness. Now it's just a play by play of daily badness and stats of my complaints. I use to write everyday. Novels. Plays. TV pilots. Short stories. Songs. The closest thing I do nowadays is making a song up in my head about how men should be more like my teddy bear. Yes, I have resorted to sleeping with a teddy bear again. I'm not that proud. But it helps me get to the REM cycle. And he's wearing a bow tie so you know he's cute and classy. And loves to cuddle, and listens to me when I talk. Are you seeing why the song was created now? And the fact that I'm one tea cozy away from being a crazy cat lady. Honestly, the day I start wearing turtlenecks I expect someone to do me the favor and shoot me. It is kinda bitchin song though. I might put it up if I ever get around to finishing it. You see, it's tricky when I write songs, because I have no musical talent. So I kinda just make up different words to my favorite pop songs. I'm strange. But I kind of have to do whatever keeps me from making or starting a catastrophe. For example, tonight there is like one or two or several parties where my friends and housemates are going tonight. But I don't feel like going out at all. Nor do I have money. Nor do I have energy. Nor would it be a wise choice, my Sunday night to Tuesday morning routine is deadly. Literally. You can read about it, just scroll down. Go ahead, I'll wait.
I know right! Friggin crazy. I have to do better this week, but I still haven't managed to get the textbook. Nor came up with a way of paying for it. And rent is due. Ouch, I feel a stomache coming on. How come it says I spelled stomache wrong? Oh, it didn't again. What the hell? Has my education skills declined so greatly that I can't spell at a fifth grade level? Oh dear. I need to work out. Then I need to do something smart. I'm not reading the news though. Last time I did that I found out a killer whale killed it's trainer...for the THIRD time. Are you kidding me?! That bitch should have been ground into whale bits after it killed the first one. Seriously! That's the world for you, killer killer whales. Can't even take a vacation to Sea World no more. It's all just catastrophe. Everywhere.
"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons." -T.S. Eliot
"I can't sit around having coffee. I have all these appointments, and a lot of my friends sit around having coffee talking about the jobs they didn't get." -Eva Marie Saint
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