iGod

Don't freak out, I'm not being blasphemous, it's a play on words. Keep reading and you'll understand. Lately I've taken to wearing tiny little keys on a silver chain around my neck. I found them when I was cleaning last month. I think once upon a time they were for the locks on my families luggage. Somehow they ended up in one of several junk drawers I have. So I looped them on my chain, at the same time removing my cross. This was probably a month ago. Then earlier this week, when I was talking with my landlord he asked me what the keys were for. We joked about it for a minute, and then I said I grew tired of wearing my cross. He told me that I should never grow tired of wearing a cross. And then I said I wasn't tired of God, but wearing a cross is more fashion then faith these days. In some social circles having a cross around your neck has become an act of rebellion. I don't think he understood what I meant, because things got awkward real quick. So then I switched subjects and told him I was moving out. That got a response. But I was being honest about the cross thing. I was sick of people making assumptions and comments and jokes about my wearing one. Classically, you're supposed to wear one if you are polite, proper, church going, non vulgar Christian who wants the world to know that you would hug Jesus if you saw him on the street. But I'm none of those things. Except Christian. I would own up to being Christian. But I have the mouth of a sailor, the manners of an Italian and haven't been to church since whatever the last church holiday was. So once people realize I'm not a Sunday Christian, and/or gay, they begin to think that I'm being disrespectful or that I'm mocking someone or something by wearing a cross around my neck. Most people assume that a swearing, passionate, homo( like myself ) wouldn't have a relationship with God. Or have faith in anything besides Madonna or Gucci. Or Vodka. Now I'll admit that I have been moved to every emotion known to mankind through the music of Madonna, but I don't bow down to her or plan on building an alter to her. I don't care too much for what Gucci does, or high fashion in general. And I tend to pray a lot when vodka is involved, but I don't think the prayer counts when you are hunched over a toilet vomiting. The truth is, I have faith. And I talk to God. I have so so so so much faith. And I probably talk to God more then you do. You see, when you are me, you have to have faith. You have to talk, argue, yell, and listen to God. Otherwise, well, otherwise I would have just been another suicide statistic. Or another victim of bullying who punched his own number. Or another homo who quit God due to a bullshit sermon delivered by a radical, asshole, pastor. But I am nothing if not durable. And I think that's due to God. I feel like my mother also showed me how to endure and be silently awesome too, but God probably gets most credit. It's because I'm durable that I never quit early, or gave up, or walked away. Lord knows I wanted to, several hundred thousand times, but I hung in there. I kept talking to him and yelling at him and even swearing at him, but at least we were speaking. And since I kept communication open, he kept opening doors. He kept talking to me. And he is a crafty man, he knew I wasn't going to be reached in a church on Sunday mornings, so he found new ways to talk to me. Like my iPod. I sort of thought as my running time as my faith time already. The sidewalks were my church. But not in that bullshit way where people stand on street corners handing out water bottles with scripture taped to it. I mean that when I go running I am by myself, so I can talk to God. And we can sort through things and try to find solutions to all the big fucking problems in my world. And the little fucking problems too. Sometimes he just sort of puts ideas or phrases in my head while I'm running, which is cool, but my favorite is when he picks the next song on my iPod and the lyrics tell me exactly what to do, or encourage me to keep on living. Sometimes songs play and I don't remember purchasing them on iTunes, or downloading them at all. But they're on there, and they begin pumping through my earbuds right when God wants them to. So, do I sound like a crazy person because I think God talks to me through my iPod? Well, I don't fucking care what you think. So keep it to yourself. I don't care if you think I shouldn't wear a cross. I don't care if you think I should watch what I say. I don't care if you don't like my bruised knuckles. I don't care if you don't like my personality. I don't care if you think I shouldn't talk about God. I don't care if you think I'm going to hell because I have the tendency of falling in love with guys. Why are you judging my anyways? You aren't part of the Holy Trinity. You don't get to judge me, only God can judge me. So piss off. Because at the end of the day you are just as dirty, rotten, bloodied, guilty, loathsome and terrible as I am. So I'm going to do what I'm going to do. And you can do what you want to do. And we can live in the same world. And sometimes I'll wear a cross. And if you come across me when I'm wearing it, don't make a stupid comment. Because that would make my cross. And then I'll have to curb stomp you. Capice?

"just like a prayer, your voice can take me there" -Madonna