On A Dirt Road

I've had this recurring notion, about myself and my behavior, that is unsettling and makes me furrow my brow. I'll be going about my business, whether at work or at the house or where ever, and then this tiny little question pops into my head: Do we become the people we date? It's not many words, but it contains many levels and a lot of weight. It's a heavy question. Probably about three clicks. The answer can go several ways. If you date someone who's nice and pleasant and charming, then those qualities rub off on to you. Even after you dump them, or they dump you, what they passed onto you is still there. Like behavioral herpes. Or personality chlamydia. After you get over hating them for breaking up with you, you still act like them in certain situations. Or say words that they use to say. Or even alter your clothes or shopping habits, maybe even the kinds of foods you eat; long after they are gone, the habits are still there. And it's not just little things, like cuffing up the sleeves on your t shirts, it could be big things. It could be things about politics or love or death or life or mindset or motive. Big things like DNR papers, the right to smoke up, the importance of tattoos, or the reasons for falling in love. People you date can change a lot more about you then how often you wear a hoodie, if you allow them they can change everything. And take everything. I was never a big candle person, I thought they were silly and useless, but then after dating a few candle lovers I find myself with seven half burnt candles. Now this is a minor example, candles are frivolous and usually not that expensive, but still, when did I become a candle person? When did I become a cat person? When did I become a smoker? When did I become so uptight? When did I become thirty years old? When did I become so hard and cold? When did I become an angry person? When did I become the kind of person who cheats? When did I become the kind of person who has an affair? When did this happen? When I was little, when I was younger, I never thought I would behave the way I do. The way I did. The way I have. The men I've dated. The men I've loved. The men who hurt me. They have all added and taken from me. The people you date, or love, they can mold and shape you. It's not clean cut, it's not black and white, it is not simple. You may leave their bed, but the tears their pillow hide come with you. You can have them stop the car, but their anger races after you. You can get up of their couch, but the cushion stays indented. You can avoid their favorite bar, but the building stays standing. You might not pet their cat anymore, but the fur stays on your clothes. You can put out the cigarette, but the flame burns on. You can kiss them goodbye, but their taste lingers. You can walk away, but you don't get to leave.

Sure, I've taken some jokes. Stolen some stories. Gained some comedic timing. Garnered some wisdom and patience. Permanently borrowed a pair of jeans. Found an affection for candles. Learned how to steal a dvd, how to french exhale, and how to drink wine. But there is so much that I never wanted to learn, never wanted to take with me. There is a lot I never wanted to know. I never wanted to do. And now that I fear I am becoming the men I use to date, all the ones who hurt and broke me, does that mean I'm just going to hurt and break my future romances? Does behaving like them mean I'll reach the same outcomes? How dangerous is following in their footsteps? We don't get to chose the dirt we step on, but we do get to decide how we walk. And right now, I'm standing on a dirt road wearing my hoodie and holding a candle, all alone. Damn the men I've loved and the ones I dated. How dare they make themselves appealing to me. How dare they teach me to walk, then walk away. Fuck this dirt road.



“I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.” -Neil Gaiman