Linen Crisp

This morning I actually shaved. Not just trimmed. Not just groomed. Not just looked in the mirror and changed my mind. But actually, one hundred percent, shaved. I have cheekbones! And a chin! They were hidden. Now they are back. It's kinda exciting. I wanted to look fresh and Calvin Klein like for this holiday weekend. Most likely I will have to shave several times before the actual holiday, but still, I needed to get back in to the habit of it all. I wish I had one of those fancy, electronic shaving things. The ones that are advertised during baseball games and Nascar races. And James Bond movies. Not so much advertised as "strategically placed", if you know what I mean. So yeh, I'm looking real crisp. And the weather agrees with me. Warm sun, hot gentle breezes, blue skies, little birds making noise. It's all very nineties Gap ad. I like it. I wore khakis, a blue t-shirt and a tiny gray cardigan this morning when I left the house to grab a bagel. The clerk lady commented me on my cardigan, and you know it was legitimate because only retail workers have to lie about that sort of thing. Believe me, I would SO know. Anyways. I was very spring like today, which might be why I haven't been able to fall asleep yet today. Work starts again in about five hours and I've been up all morning and afternoon. But the day is too beautiful to sleep through, I'll just grab a cappuccino on the way in tonight. I'm excited for this weekend; nice weather, cute clothes, getting to see my family, being down in Chicago. It should be lovely. I've been making mental lists of what to wear and pack, and when to wear it. I do shit like that. What can I say. I'm kinda really jumping at the chance to look cute and dress nice, I'm getting sick of my 3rd shift wardrobe. I want to look nice and collared and crisp and fresh. Like Brad Goreski! I kinda love him. He's the sidekick to Rachel Zoe. And he's super cute. He dresses so nicely, and smiles so pretty, and seems like so much fun. Me and him would totally hit it off. We could be besties, for sure. And shop together. And make out. What? Who said that! Where'd that come from?! Anyways. I'm going to do my best to look both Easter and GQ approved this weekend. But right now I'm going to try and look both asleep and resting, maybe then my brain will turn off and I can get some shut eye before having to go to work again. It's kinda doubtful though. The sun is still out and shiny, and it's so nice. I can't wait till I can actually enjoy a spring day and not feel the urge to sleep through it. Missing out on all this weather is making me go bananas! Soon enough, I'll get to enjoy. Sleep now. Coffee later. Look cute in the future.

"That's BANANAS!" -R. Zoe

ps- seriously guys, if you haven't bought stock in Starbucks(and you read my blog regularly)what are you waiting for?

It's Complicated

Is a WONDERFUL movie! It is just scrumptious. Delightful. Dishy. Witty. And highly entertaining. I was leaning forward in my seat laughing and clapping. The story itself is superb, but the fashion and designs are so luscious. Everyone always looks like a healthy mixture of Ralph Lauren Polo, Banana Republic, and Nautica. And the kitchen! KITCHEN! Meryl Streeps kitchen in this movie is magnificent. I have total, complete, unabashed kitchen envy! And she cooks and everything on the screen looks delicious and so tempting. I left the theatre starving. And I had eaten right before I went in. The whole movie is just wonderful, really, please, go see it. Now. Stop reading and go see it. My words will be here when you get back. Nancy Meyers really needs to do more films, and she needs to keep working with all the same set decorators and set designers, because her movies are fantastic, but the scenery and the colors and the little details is what put them on another level. The acting is great, the cast is all so attractive and well picked. The kids that Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin are supposed to share look like they could physically be from the two of them. I always applaud movies when they make a family look like a real family, I was telling my housemates about how they should give an Oscar for that sort of thing. It's important to a film. It's one of those films that you just want to close your eyes and fall into, and you know it's going to be comfortable and smell like fresh linen and summer berries. I bought five candles this weekend...I know, I know. Candle overload. But they are my new favorite thing. What better thing is there then to have a pleasant aroma surrounding you and uplifting your spirit? It can change your whole mood. I went with a British theme: one Mulberry, one Lilac Breeze, one Basil and Red Clover Tea, and two Hemingways. I know right! A candle that is named after Hemingway! How fantastic! How often do I quote that man? All the time. And it's such a great smell. I have Mulberry going right now. I had a wonderful weekend. I really did. Friday night I had an amazing date. That's when I saw the film. And I think I'm still riding the endorphin rush from how great it was. Then the next day was even more wonderful because I got to see my sisser! And we had a great time together. We baked apples pies and talked in the kitchen and confided in each other and it was just like long, long ago. Before everything between us got so complicated and distant. There we were, hanging out in my kitchen, baking pies and smiling and laughing. And then we had delicious sushi for dinner. It was a wonderful day with her. I miss her. I miss all my family, but I don't think about it often, because if I do then I get sad. But I shouldn't be sad because things are good/better between all of us, but that's due in part to my moving away. It's complicated. So I had a fantastic time with my sisser. And then I didn't have to sleep alone that night either, my date from the previous night came around. And we just cuddled until we both feel asleep. It was a rare treat. But it's complicated. Because there is another boy in my life, or sorta in my life. He's my New York Sweetheart. But he comes and goes like Times Square traffic, so I don't know what to make of it. It's complicated. He's complicated. And so is the new guy, my Midwest Cuddler, but he is very fond of me. But not the type of boy who usually ends up in my arms, but maybe that's a good thing. Right? Maybe? It's Complicated. I've been cooking all weekend to take my mind off of it all. Just like Meryl Streep does in the movie. Has that woman ever made a bad film? I think not! She's amazing. And so pretty. I have to keep a food journal for the next week for PT training, and I kind of want to impress my instructor with all my delicious, vegetarian cooking. Hopefully we will silently bond over that, and he will pass me. God knows I'm going to need all the help I can get. I'm great at exercising, I actually got complimented twice today by the instructor for my form and inventiveness, but my quiz scores have been lacking. That's because of 3rd shift. I rarely have energy to crack a textbook. But I have the personal skills and know how for the job, I just don't look good on paper right now. You know what sounds good though? Bon Iver. And Lykke Li. No, I'm not speaking a foreign language, those are musicians. And I'm listening to them while I was typing this. For free. You just Google search a band name and their song title and then Google plays it. I read about this the other day in O magazine. I have no idea where I was reading an O magazine, but somehow I was. So I've been therapeutically typing and listening to great music and enjoying the aroma of Mulberries, it's kind of wonderful. And the second I step out of my room, everything will become, well, it all goes back to being complicated. Life is complicated. It's Complicated.

"I have a very good life - I'm lucky enough not to be deprived." -M. Streep

Cause And Effect

I will tell you all about the second half of the weekend sometime soon. But right now I'm on bed rest. I seem to have something resembling a URI, so I'm trying to sleep it away. And drink it away. I bought ten bottles of Vitamin Water and a huge bag of cough drops. So I'm doing what I can to get better. My sisser comes to visit this weekend, so I need to be one hundred percent. I've been looking forward to this all month.

ps- believe me, the second half is worth waiting for


"I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself." -M. Grey

Why, Hello Officer

So the weekend so far has been very interesting indeed. Becoming closer with people I've always cherished, and people who are fairly new to me. Talking to cops when I was drunk, telling them my life story. I was trying to distract them from the party that was going on behind me. Sleeping on: bathroom floors, bedroom floors, kitchen stairs and passing out in comfy chairs. Cooking breakfast together hung over. Celebrating my girl Amy's birthday. Drunk talking, drunk texting, drunk fighting, drunk kissing, drunk lies. The things people do. And it's only half over. I've just stopped home to shower and change my clothes. Let's hope I don't have anymore run ins with the police. I can't stand the smell of bacon, it upsets my stomach. Actually, everything upsets my stomach today. Damn vodka.

ps- for the record, the pigs I dealt with did not look like the picture. Which is probably for the best because I was schwasted! And the guy in the picture is schexy!

"Oh, come one hon, you know it's a good party when even the cops want to join." -me

I've Got Little Boots

Little Boots is the name of this girl singer, who is awesome. Her music is a dialed down, more techno Lady Gaga. The lyrics are just as good, but there is a lot less dead bodies and skull cats. It's a little lighter fare. I like it. Sorta disco flavored, it could totally be played in a roller rink. I miss skating parties, those were the shit. Minus the teenage drama and humiliation, I like the lights and the skating part. The blisters the next day weren't too hot. My feet hate me right now. They're only ever in work boots, or running shoes. They never get a break. They even have to move when I'm sleeping. I keep waking up on the other side of the bed, or in a strange position. My dreams have been crazy lately. It's probably because of all the things I'm always thinking of having to get done. And falling asleep with the sun in your eyes probably doesn't help. I've gotten into the bad habit of nodding off with my iPod in my ears, and I listen to a lot of dance music and remixes; you can only imagine what my dreams are like. Lady Gaga would be jealous. I've decided I need to get out on Saturday night. I had to miss my first St Paddy's day, I haven't gotten to party in a long time, I haven't gotten to have a social life in a long time. So this weekend is fun time. Friday is a payday, and 90 percent of my bills for this month have been paid off. I have groceries. I paid the PT bill for this month. I went and got my oil changed. And this paycheck is going to have OT on it. So yeh, I need a little fun. A little fun, so I can hang up my little work boots. Slip on some chuck taylors and show that dance floor who's boss. Friday I have a birthday party at a friends house, so that is going to be Vodka-licious. Then I'll recover all of Saturday afternoon, then head to the dance floor that night. I haven't seen my friends in a zillion years, so I'll see who wants to come with. When I was at Meijer this morning I saw that all the magazines had their annual "spring issues" out, THAT means it's spring time. Fer sure! I can't help but notice that some brands keep doing the same thing over and over again, just with different faces. Sexy faces, handsome faces, but still the face is all that changes. Speaking of handsome faces. The apprentice came over and talked with me and Autumn at work last night/this morning, and it was so pleasant. No one else really thinks he's cute, but I find him adorable. He's gentle and soft spoken and smiles a lot, total Iowa innocence. I have managed to get my emotions in check when he's around, I've shut down the idea that anything might happen. Even though Autumn thinks he's secretly gay, I say he's just a rare nice person, she has yet to just flat out ask him. I told her he told me he had ex-girlfriends, but then again, those words have come out of my mouth before too. Just saying. Construction sites aren't known for being "open minded" areas. But it's just stupid to think about it, he lives more then an hour away, it's doomed before it even exists. I think I am getting a more acute idea of the type of guy I would see a future with. After the doctor, I was sorta all over the place with types of guys and standards, my little boots did a lot of walking. I knew right away: no more Doctor McDrinky's, just because they are medically inclined doesn't mean they can't be alcoholics. So definitely no more heavy drinkers. No more medical people in general. Scientific brains don't mesh well with how I think and function. I'm a little too bohemian. A little too New York. And right now I'm a little too hungry to write anything else. It's funny, men say that their heads or their dicks call the shots, but really, the stomach is who controls it all. Think about, I'm totally right!

"The belly rules the mind. ~Spanish Proverb"

"Great food is like great sex. The more you have the more you want."-Gael Greene

Man On A Wire

A high wire that is. A very high, very skinny wire. With no net underneath and only an umbrella in hand to help balance him out. That's an accurate image of what life is like. Good thing I found out at PT training that I've got super good balance. You have to be able to balance if you want to get anywhere in life. You never get to do just one thing at a time, you have to split your focus and accomplish everything in front of you. And still mean something to the people around you. You can't just walk across the wire, you have to entertain while you walk across the wire, you have to giv'em a show. I don't need training to know how to do that. I've been getting reactions since I was just a little dude. Lately I've learned just how important it is to keep them entertained. People depend on it, they get upset when I'm not getting smile or turning a laugh. It's expected of me to walk the wire and play clown face at the same time, that can make it a little more tiring. I don't mind having everyone around me think I'm funny and cheerful, I could be remembered for that, but I can't paint a smile on everyday of every week. When someone is forced to do that, bad things can happen. That's when my Harley Quinn personality traits surface, and that's always dangerous. I use to be able to handle it better because when I was sleeping everyone else was, but now my sleeping time is everyone else's show time. So I'm supposed to have my stage make up and umbrella with me at all times, no breaks and no cancellations. Rough stuff indeed. I remember a couple months back when I wrote about having a "nice umbrella", and I would just like to say I called that one perfectly. I had a good idea of how it was all going to play out, and like usual, I hit the nail on its head. With my big over sized, comically proportioned sledge hammer. And then I shot my pistol off, but the only thing that came out was a flag that said "bang" on it. The audience loves that one. Let's just hope I can continue to balance my 3rd-shift-3-ring-circus life. All's well as long as the pistol keeps shooting flags only. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

"I'm havin' a bad day! I'm sick of people trying to shoot me, ride over me and blow me up!" -Harley Quinn

Dirty You Up

If ever there was a paradox, that I have displayed if a snapshot had been taken, it would be myself on my knees scrubbing the floor of my bedroom in my work clothes. Black chunky boots. Ripped jeans. Black and white layers topped off with a hoodie and my leather jacket. With Gaga in my ears, my sleeves pushed up and rag and windex in hand, I made my life shine. Or at least I made my floors shine. Once I had taken care of my room, I moved to the kitchen. The whole instant motivation behind it all was the fact that I had to leave work early. I left at 4AM instead of 7 because they didn't want to give me overtime. So when I got home I was still wired, and being at home and having energy almost never occur these vampire days. So I went to town. I made shit sparkle. Then I capped it all off by writing a group email to all the housemates explaining how we all have to step up our cleaning duties. The response has been mostly positive, but I'm curious to see how it plays out in the long run. I'm still thinking I might have to kick some ass to get through to some people. But I'll throw that punch when I have to. In other news. The parentals are visiting in about six hours, and I'm wide awake right now. How awake I am when they are here, is yet to be seen. I want to have a nice time and all, but I'm a complete ass when not caffeinated. I might have to insist on a Bux run. Not to mention my less then squeaky clean language. My dirty word filter isn't functional at all when I'm tired. I find myself these days wanting nothing but my leather jacket and everything it symbolizes. Living the vampire, 3rd shift lifestyle kinda dirties you up a bit. And I am liking it. I was always more nocturnal anyways, and this just emphasizes it. Moonlight, streetlights, neon lights, Marlboro lights. I wish more and more that this city didn't close up at 2am. I fear more and more having to go back to being a day creature. I miss my people, but not all the other humans. Driving on roads with other cars on them, having to deal with customers, standing in lines; oh hell no. I'm finally getting into the sleep cycle too. It's going to rough when I have to reconvert. Someone reach for the Clorox, maybe we can just bleach me back to sunshine living. Or SOS pad me until I quit sending out SOS messages. Jumping from dirty night shift back to sparkling day shift will be hazardous to those around me. I can see it now. Once again, I'll throw that punch when I get there. It's funny to me though, I make little mental lists about how much I've changed and come into my own. How the things I use to worry about and fill up on don't really matter so much to me, and bigger more serious things now take up my brain. Table settings and matching polos with matching Northface jackets have been replaced with affordable boots and cheap cereal. The older I get, the more dirtied I become. The world isn't a clean place, you have to endure some scuff marks and get your polish knocked off before you can even begin to grasp the situation you are in. It's a little difficult to keep yourself sparkly, good thing my wood floors are.

ps- and since EVERYONE is talking about it, yes, I did see the "telephone" music video. yes, it is amazing. yes, Gaga should rule the world. yes, I watched it repeated times. I would just like to add that, I think everyone loves Gaga because she's living all our dreams. All at once. Plus she is legit talented. She deserves the accolades.

"I believe in getting into hot water...it helps keep you clean" -G.K. Chesterton

Yeh, Well You're Ugly

Some asshole flipped me the bird while I was driving home this morning. Dumb ass thought it would be fun to do forty in a twenty five, and try to push my car into doing the same thing. Obviously I had no choice then to practically put my car into neutral and let gravity move it. Sonuvabitch is lucky I didn't get out my car. The last thing you want on your hands at seven in the morning is an angry 3rd shift worker. But he shouldn't be flying through residential streets anyway. Kids are going to the bus stop and walking to school. It's not the worlds fault that his lazy ass couldn't get out the door on time. Shit! Try to push up on my car like that, that won't fly with me. So then I get to the stop sign I turn right at, which is on a two lane street, and he pulls up next to me to turn left and flip me off. OH! I tell ya, if I wasn't six houses away from mine, which meant I was six houses away from my bed and Caleb, I wouldn't have chased that ugly little dude. He was probably just hating because his face looked like a compost pile. So now I'm in a funk and don't feel like writing. And I have a ginormous pile of laundry to fold. And I had to cut some checks to pay some bills. And my tummy hurts. And it's not even nine am yet. F this nonsense!

It does smell and look like spring though...that's cool.

"Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!""- R. Williams

Let's Play Doctor

I was told tonight that I would make a great doctor because I know how to put a band-aid on real good. At work last night/earlier this morning, I had to apply band-aids to two people, both within like one hour of each other. First was my girl Autumn, she has joined me and Heather in the society of 3rd Shift Vampires. She's just as funny and evil as me and Heather are. We only survive because we keep each other laughing. We're just little monsters, we've no idea how we will return to actually have to put up with customers. We all threaten to kill each other at least several times a night. But then we'd have to work harder then we already are, so we decide to talk about things we don't like instead. I love them both, and it's going to suck like a leach when it's all over. But that won't be for another couple months or so. If it weren't for the constant headaches, mental breakdowns, bad logic, shitty sleep, unholy amounts of coffee and the ingestion of energy pills 3rd shift would be no big deal. I am loving the fact that it's like a work out three of five times I'm there. With all the moving and the removing of things, all of which are heavy, I'm getting sorta jacked. At least more then I use to be. If I ate properly and went running I would be completely GQ approved. Anyways. So Autumn sliced open her forehead so I had to clean up the cut and then put some band aids on it. She was so cute, she didn't want to clean it because it would sting too much. So I told her to squeeze my arm while I was doing it, she's a big sweetie. But she's got a mouth like a sailor, then again, we all do. Which is why we're so smooth with each other. So I took care of her, and then she told me I should be doctor because I'm good with medical things and was very good to her while she was upset. She thinks I could handle putting up with frantic people. Ummm duh, check the story of my life. So then the electrician apprentice cut open his hand, and he was too timid and embarrassed to tell his superiors(because he had already been taken to the emergency room once early last month)so we came to where me and Autumn were asking if we had band aids. It took me a mere .03 seconds to look him over and see where he was bleeding from, his hand. The poor stud had tried to cover it up with electrical tape, so as not to alarm anyone. It then took me a mere .01 seconds to hustle him away to the first aid kit and begin fixing him up. I could tell he was embarrassed about it, he's so shy to begin with, and needing assistance is never something men deal well with. So I tried to make it seem like no big deal, and I talked to him while I cleaned his cut and then put a couple band aids on top of it. I wanted to wrap it up with that white bandage tape stuff, but he didn't want it. Didn't want to draw attention to it. I watched him the rest of the night(what else is new)to make sure he wasn't bleeding through. By the time he left he had put more black electrical tape over it. What is it with men and not wanting anyone to help them? I think it has to do with trust. So I took care of his hand and then walked back over to Autumn to face her and her facial expression. She knows how I pine(d) for him. The reason I make it pseudo-past tense is because of the minor freak out I had the night/early morning before last. To summarize it cleanly: I caught myself thinking about how nice it would be to ask the apprentice to the movies, then remembered how we had a little talk about how him and his girlfriend broke up, which made me realize that once again(!) I had let myself fall for a hetero, which then made me march out to the parking lot and deconstruct scrap metal and wood in my own special way. It was going to be thrown out anyway! And my hands and fingers still function. The look of shock and fright on both Autumn's and Heather's face was something else. People never realize that my cute demeanor is only superficial. I fuck shit up when I'm angry. Neither one ever thought I would pick up entire metal shelves and toss them like a Frisbee. Nor would I punch through a wooden skid....several times over. I'm a very compact creature, but most of me is strength and muscles, I just appear real skinny. Scruffy like a puppy, but angry like a wolf. So I let Autumn stare me down for a mere .04 seconds before telling her that I didn't do anything more then bandage his hand. I didn't even let my brain wander to other scenarios. Which is a huge lie(damn you Grey's Anatomy and your ability to make suturing sexy!)but I caught myself and murdered the path my brain was running away on. Working third shift and being tired and always having a coffee cup in my hand makes it easy to draw parallels to Grey's. The stolen glances at the cute guy, the back and forth banter, the freak outs. My 3rd shift life and the 1st season of Grey's could be one wing each on the same butterfly. That means they are symmetrical! No one ever gets my metaphors. Grey's also has the ability to think that at any moment a surgical situation can turn into a sexy situation. That all it takes to go from unsure to unpants is eye contact. Once again the lines of reality and fiction overlap. Also like Grey, there is much to reflect upon and be conflicted over, like my nasty habit of falling for the men I can't reach. So the rest of the evening/early morning, even up to right now, I've been thinking about why I keep falling for the straight ones. Or the ones who "claim" to be straight. The only kind of actual fags who are ever actually interested in me are the girlie fems, the plastic jocks and the fatties. I want cute and sincere and dorky, with a shy smile and Iowa innocence. I'm doomed. I should just join medical school, at least then I'd have a legitimate explanation for never having dates; sorry, I'm much too busy saving lives to go on a date. Just call me McDummy. I keep making dumb romantic choices.

ps-I should be sleeping now, but I need to do laundry like it is no ones business. Plus I have to check my money situation. Why is it I never have has much as I expect? I'm all taxed out, and I still need to do my taxes. Grumble grumble!! Caleb and my bed are calling me....

"Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need." -M. Grey

I'll Have A Grande Motivation

I wish we could order emotions like Starbucks beverages. It would make certain things far easier. It would also make dealing with our emotions much easier. A lot of the time I have no idea what the hell is making me act the way I do, when ninety percent of the time I just want to be in bed with Caleb. Caleb is my Teddy Bear, for those of you who have forgotten, don't get the wrong impression. Some things are obvious, such as going to work. I go to work to make money. It's that simple. I need money to survive and provide myself with shelter and food. Otherwise, I don't think I would want to be nocturnal. Especially when the city rolls up the sidewalks at two thirty AM. There wouldn't even be anything to do from then till about eight or nine am. Even then the only thing that would be open is the gym, or the grocers. Oh, did I mention I forgot I was training to be a PT? Yeh, that is the full extent of my sleeplessness and disorientation. When I am not working, I have two main concerns: how long can I sleep for and do I have clean clothes to put on when I awake. That is all that I can muster to focus on. So during the weekdays I have very little capacity for minor details or simple errands, like remembering that I am in training. So, unfortunately, I have yet again forgotten to obtain the textbook. I am slightly concerned, but not really. So far all we have done in class is workout, take fitness tests, talk with fellow classmates and get lectured to. During the lecture the instructor tells us word for word what will be on the quizzes, he pretty much just reads from the pages, so it would be convenient to be able to have a book open to follow along, but I don't see it has necessary. Watch, with my luck tomorrow we'll be wanting us to read from the book out loud or some shit like that. It's just a weird concept to me all together really. This training, and class situation. The instructor is just that, an instructor who instructs. There hasn't been any teaching yet. It's all things I could have discovered had I google searched the phrase "personal trainer". I think I'm paying for the school's title and academic recognition. Plus I think the class comes with a free gym membership, for the gym we train at, but I'm not certain. Not that I would have time nor energy to make good use of it. I barely muster up the motivation to work out at my house. I use to do it to relieve stress, but now I don't have time for it really. I am much more stressed then previously, but I lack free time. Well I guess that's not true, I could make the time, but I'd rather sleep so I don't crash Danny into the highway median. Danny is the name of my car, for Sir Daniel Craig. I like to name things. Anyways. I motivate myself to work out because I fear my eating habits will destroy me, I don't have set times of the day when I can eat. I don't eat whole meals at once. And I certainly don't eat properly. And there is that slight problem with the ridiculous amounts of coffee I consume. So lately I have been working out to simply make my blood pump, encourage my body to urinate, and build stronger muscles. Bl odd pumping makes me sleep more soundly. Urinating gets the coffee out. And muscles help me for the day I breakdown and begin throwing cars into sky scrappers...I mean muscles help me lift things at work. Yes...for work. Don't make me Hulk out on you! I can't believe I forgot I was in training. That's so messed up. From Tuesday to yesterday I just didn't think about it at all. Which is bad, I know. But this week at work was also bad. In fact it was worse. It was worse then the forgetting. Oh, and, the government is an asshole. The more money I make the more they sneak out of my paycheck. The whole time I was factoring out the next couple months and budgeting my life away, I was not planning on having so much money ripped from my hands. What the hell is that for again?! I know it's my fault for not paying attention in school(I was more focused on living through another day), but having money removed from my paycheck makes me angry. And then we get tax refunds....so we get it all/mostly back? Does this seem strange to anyone? And since I know you're asking, no, I have not done taxes yet. But I will, soon. I don't want to mess with the IRS. Or anything like that. So there, avoiding jail time, the motivation for doing taxes. So I have motivation for work and taxes. If you add "death" onto that list, it'll make the three things that are guaranteed to all of us. Really, a person could maintain a third shift lifestyle and simply go through life motivated to merely work and pay taxes, I think death motivates us to do everything else we do. In a backwards kind of way. Since we all know death is going to happen, we motivate ourselves to make our lives as good as we are able to. This is where the variations come into effect. Some want fame and medals, some want artistic recognition, some want families and 401Ks. Some want to dance on you at the club for an hour and then not follow through. Which makes you a bastard!....I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say Friday night used only one barrel of a double barrelled shot gun. Bastard. Anyways. So since death is heading towards like Brooke Sheilds to a spokesperson career fair, we self motivate to make life worth living. But really Brooke, how many commercials do you want airing at once? Crest, Latisse, some other womanly shit. What are you, trying to break a record? Get a movie hon. Follow Demi Moore, pick up what she drops from her flawless dinner table. Demi is so lovely, and a badass. And probably a great lay. How else is she going to keep Mr. Kutcher under lock and latch? Do you like that? I just sorta invented it, "lock and latch", it works. Spread it around. Spread it like peanut butter. Peanut butter! A great motivator for dogs to do what we tell them to do. Don't make it dirty. I'm talking about calming down and stopping to incessantly bark out the window at a dog that is six houses down on the left which coudln't even be seen unless standing in the front yard anyways so it makes you wonder how the hell the dog is seeing the other dog in the first place unless of course dogs have some sort of projecto vision that can be turned both left and right....Are you worried for my sanity? I am, you should be. I think Caleb helps keep me sane. My having a "Caleb" is what therapists call "emotional projection", which means I have feelings, concerns, emotions, etc that need to be let out and or discussed but I lack the appropriate person, outlet, facility, etc to release them. See! Who says therapy is pointless? The only reason I'm such a good listener and advice giver is because I was in therapy, I didn't go to get fixed, I went to learn and steal tricks. I am a Bristow. And that previous line rhymes, I smell a bumper sticker. Or a graphic t-shirt. But I don't really wear those. Except when at the gym, or I'm attempting to be outgoing at the club. Oh, the club. What motivates anyone to go to the club? Sex, stress release, cheap drinks, cheap thrills, ego boost. It's all kinda the same. In different ways. Madonna talks about it in a song. She gets it. See Brooke, another fifty something to look up to. Stop with the commercials. Please, or we will be forced to take action. It may just be the channels I'm watching. I tend to gravitate towards Lifetime and Hallmark, they play Golden Girl reruns. That show is like heroin to me, soothing and I love taking in all the soft, pastel colors. And it makes me laugh. Alright, this one has gone on far too long. No one probably even reached this point. If you did, I love you. And I will buy you a puppy. Or rather, adopt you a puppy. I don't promote purchasing from stores or breeders, all dogs should be rescued. And all cats love me, it's just a random fact. Kitties like me, and I don't even try. Maybe that's why they like me, I should try that approach on men. If you're still reading I resend my offer of buying you a puppy. Sorry. I'm a broke twentysomething. Motivate yourself to adopt your own damn puppy.

"So I went into a bar. Looking for sympathy. A little company. I tried to find a friend. It’s more easily said. It’s always been the same. This type of modern life. Is not for me" -M. Ciccone

The Body Of Clothes

Right now: Eleven thirty AM on Wednesday afternoon. I had to check my phone to see what the actual day of the week it was. This is, once again, due in part to my third shift tendencies. I have not slept for more then five hours, at one time, since Saturday afternoon. My last five hours session was Tuesday from two in the afternoon to about seven in the evening. What is really making me stay awake right now, besides my to-do list, is the fact that I am wearing skinny jeans, dress socks and a Vogue approved cardigan. Yes, a simple thread count is what is making my brain synapses still fire and my eyelids from completely giving themselves over to gravity and exhaustion. I think that sort of speaks volumes about me as a person. Once upon an afternoon a to-do list would have been fuel enough to keep me going, but lately I require more the a post it, i.e. the clothes. And the body that they are on. Which, is in a form that it has never been in before. Still ribby, but now there are chest muscle type things that give a slight y-shape impression. Also, my upper arms have this constant bulge like quality. And the tummy is sorta ripped, but not fully due to the four AM brownie binges. Work is not conducive to resisting junk food and bakery type edibles. Speaking of work, the adorable electrician apprentice split the back of his jeans this morning, right up the bum. React how you wish to, but I literally thanked God. Out loud. Hopefully not within ear shot. We have talked though. He's very friendly and smilely, which is wildly atypical. And, since I don't have a radar to begin with, I'm driving myself stupid. He may be, or he just might be one of those rare "nice" people. But I could have swore those went extinct the year after payphones did. You never actually meet genuine "nice" people anymore, you just hear stories about them. Like unicorns. And dinosaurs. But he is very corn-fed-grew-up-on-a-farm-in-Iowa-ish; he's very delicate looking, but could probably wrangle a horse into submission so he could nails it's new shoe on.....I have an overly active imagination. I am very tired. I think I've worked out close to five times within the last two and half days. There was training, there was the three miles I ran, there was the weight lifting, there was the physical laborness of work. No wonder. But I've got clothes in the dryer and the washer, so I can't sleep yet. At some point yesterday I was in the shower, and I invented a new song. IT was great. It was about me wanting men to be more like my Teddy Bear, and not like Ken dolls. It was epic. But I don't remember it. The second I got out of the shower reality came back and the song left my head. Sad. I did buy new body wash and body lotion, which can apparently also be used on my face, but I only trust my face to Nivea for the time being. But I stole three honking garbage bags full of empty cans and bottles from work, then returned them at Meijer so I got NAMEBRAND body wash, lotion and face scrub, all of which are made specifically for men. Fantastic. I got the new deep cleansing Dove Men+Care body wash, Vaseline Men Extra Strength and OXY face scrub for men. The face stuff has bits of charcoal in it to suck up the pollutions in my pores. I am thoroughly prepared to experience the sucking. I have yet to use the body wash or the scrub, I still have like two days worth of old dollar store products, but I did use the lotion today. It's very nice. And smells like Daniel Craig. Or, in my mind, what Daniel Craig would smell like. And my skin feels great. So, it's a win win situation. It's AG baby, it's all good! Just like this season of Desperate Housewives, a lot is happening, but it's all good. Unlike seasons three through five, I try to pretend they didn't happen. This one is popping like fireworks, even the extras are good looking and talented. You know what I love, you almost never see the ladies in the same room together, because each one has specific rooms that they look their best in. By now the set decorator, the lighting guy and the make up crew have all be instructed as to how to make the ladies look. So each one has different light to be surrounded by. It's fun to notice things like that. To me at least. I like those ladies, they're cool. Yes I know they are not real, but the situations are close to reality. Makes me want to wrestle the responsibility of being a parent even more. I need a kid of my own, it'll make me a little more grounded. Maybe I should get a puppy first. Or a boyfriend. I remember reading this article in Rolling Stone, the one with Gwen Stefani on the cover, about her and how she couldn't wait to have kids. She said they would save her from her vanity, I kind of relate to that sentence. Having kids, apparently, helps you cut the fat out of your life. Plus Gwen Stefani is completely badass, and I trust her. Can not wait for the new No Doubt cd, or even their next single. Just give me something more, soon please. Alright, I can resist the bed no longer. Caleb, that's what I named my Teddy Bear, needs me. And I him.

ps- Someone at work today saw my belly button while I was standing on top a ladder, and they said it was the most perfect belly button ever. I was both extremely embarrassed and outrageously pleased. hurray belly button

"I imagine my children are going to save me from my vanity and be my passion and fill whatever fears I have of the amazing time I'm having right now being gone." -Gwen Stefani