-The Fast and The Failure

There are two types of fast when it comes to relationships: the slutty fast and the emotional fast. The slutty fast is, well, kind of not in need of a detailed-multi-layered-whipped-cream-topped-description. It pretty much means you single handily, or sometimes double handedly, make good use of mattress springs, are familiar with getting chocolate syrup off of yourself and keep baby oil makers in business. Most people know to avoid the slutty fast, but what people (and by people I mean me) don’t always have a grasp of is moving emotionally fast. At least when you act like a slut you can shower it off, but when you move emotionally fast you end up reeking of it for days. No amount of Acqua di Gio can mask the scent of an emotional streaker. And that’s what being emotional too quickly is like; taking everything off and running around bare, exposed. There is more then one kind of nudity in relationships: the kind where you expose your body and the kind where you expose your body of thought. When you’re dating it makes sense to show some skin and flex some muscle as quickly and as often as possible. But we aren’t supposed to show some sensitivity or flex some maturity until…until when? Just when exactly is it alright to let the other person know that you care not only about what their tongue can do, but what it is saying. Talking in relationships has such a negative connotation. The last time I used the phrase “actually, I think we should talk” while I was dating someone lead to an abrupt ending, which then lead to an abrupt six months of getting over said ending. What I learned from that was the importance of both sex and speaking; you shouldn’t have one without the other. And you shouldn’t do either one fast. But when body language becomes more reliable then the English language, the conversation and the relationship can become flaccid.

They say that men have a certain amount of words that they are able to use in one day. If they reach their limit before the day is up then they open a beer, sit on the couch and turn on the game. It doesn’t really matter what kind of game it is, just as long as it can be titled a game. And with several types of ESPN available, versions 1 and 2, classic, college, retro, metro, supersized and bedazzled, there is almost always a game to be had for quiet viewing pleasure. But in relationships you want to avoid quiet times, which mean you have to talk with more then just your torso. Real conversations need to be had so that the relationship has a chance of being real, otherwise you end up licking pudding off a semi stranger that you can’t remember the last name of. That previous sentence was totally just hypothetical.

So how do you talk about wanting to talk without making it sound like you’re having the talk, I have not figured it out yet. I’ve talked my way out of many a situation, but I still dread the idea of trying to dig myself out of that conversational hole. If you try to discuss the relationship too soon, it gets dirty. If you wait too long, by then the only conversations your having is dirty talk. But there does seem to be a linguistic catch-22 about it all. If you’re only fluent in body language, the relationship doesn’t last too long. If you’re familiar with the English language, you’re usually familiar with failed relationships. Talk too little, get a limp relationship. Talk too often, end up with a limp dick. Since when did showing someone you cared about them become such a turn off? Have we become such a concrete, independent, self sufficient society that we no longer consider compassion to be charming? I feel as if we should take a minute and talk about….oh wait.