A Single Man, Countless Pains IV

Lately, there has been a lot of talk about THE FUTURE. Bum, bum, bummmmmmm. Where I might end up in THE FUTURE. How far away I'm going to be in THE FUTURE. How I'm going to pay for THE FUTURE. How soon before THE FUTURE becomes THE FUTURE. All this talk about it makes the present seem real crappy. Because when I think about what might come I have the luxury of thinking up the best possible outcomes. THE FUTURE looks perfect and amazing because it's all fictional. I can't decide if the present has gotten shittier, or if THE FUTURE has just gotten more exciting. I want to skip the next four months so I can see where I end up. Plus I'm getting sick of all this hot weather. It's muggy and sweaty and nasty. And I'm a little hung over. So I kinda want to sit in a air conditioned building for a nice long while. I'm going to see who wants to see SALT. THE FUTURE can take a break, I want to enjoy the afternoon. And this is another little something from my past, to continue with my July confessional. I think the past is the most honest time. THE FUTURE can be whatever you want it to be, the present can be very distorted, but you can't change the past; it just hangs there like a picture on a wall.


I don’t have….
Big pieces of chocolate cake

Peace of mind
Dependency on food
No effort days

McDonalds
Burger King
Taco Bell
Pizza after eight at night
No worries
Skinny enough waist
Smiley face cookies

An old voicemail message
A memory of the last kiss
Someone to speak to
Enough distractions
A good enough voice
Hair that behaves itself
Lips that don’t chap
Skin that doesn’t crack
Enough memories to run defense
The truth
Big enough sun glasses
Something that smells like you
Time to read
Self esteem
Lots of food
Happiness from mirrors
Movie star looks

A happy mouth
Food with oil
Food with grease
Food with frosting
Food with layers
Food with high fructose corn syrup
Food that is guilty
Enough time to run
A way of killing calories
……..you……..
……….I don’t have………..

…………………………you………………………...



"If it's going to be a world with no time for sentiment, Grant, it's not a world that I want to live in." -George Falconer

Time Goes Bye

When I was really little I got lost in a Target. Not so much lost, has separated from my family. I remember it very well. I stopped in front of the watches to look at the cool Batman watch, and the Power Ranger watch and the Ninja Turtle watch. They were so cool to look at because they were bright and lit up and made tick tock noises. So there I stood mesmerized by the time pieces when I suddenly realized I was standing all by myself. It wasn't long before a nice worker lady scooped me up and was about to take me to the front desk, or whatever desk they take lost children to, but before we got to there my mom had caught up to us and taken me back. It wasn't so much a traumatic experience as it was a learning experience. I already knew not to wander away by myself, and not to run immediately to the toy aisle, so there was no lesson about staying put or minding where you are. The lesson I walked away with that day so many years ago was this: time sucks. Ok, so I didn't phrase it like that back then. But I discovered that time is a tricky, unfriendly, mean thing that is evil to us. I tried to stand still for just a moment, and I wound up lost and in the arms of a stranger. Funny how that works. It's still applicable to me today too. I have no time to write, or create or draw or paint or do leisure reading. All of my hours and minutes are broken up into categories. Work, school, eating, sleeping, miscellaneous. And then those categories are broken down further into subcategories. My life is just thirty minute intervals. This might sound like I'm complaining, but it's more of me being surprised. Again and again and again. How times goes bye so quickly. It up and friggin leaves, just walks out the door. And it takes everything with it. Places, experiences, laughter, tears, people...love. Try as you might, you never get to stop and stare at the watches, because even if you do they are still ticking away. Eventually you reach the day when no one, stranger or not, will be there to pick you up. Because that takes time out of their day. And who can afford to do that when time goes bye so quickly?

-Working Full Time, Living Part Time

The older I get the more I value free time. Which is never really free time; it is more of a conscious decision on my part to push back obligations, delay deadlines and free up my schedule to do exactly what I want to do. Even when this does happen my brain, on some level, is creating a timetable of due dates for all the work I will have to make up and all the work that will inevitably be piled on top. So even when I am working to have a good time, I am still working to plan out all the work that needs to get done and factoring in all the work that is going to be given, all while trying to remember that all work and no play makes life not worth living. What exactly are we working for again? Besides working for the weekend, it is sometimes difficult to remember why exactly we keep putting our noses to the grindstone. Is anyone else worried they are running out of nose? We have to work in our classes to make sure we get decent grades; part of having decent grades is doing homework. We have to work to make sure we somehow find enough time to not only go to classes but study for them and work for them outside of class. It sometimes feels like we are working just to achieve more work. Not to mention all the obligations we have outside of schoolwork. Trying to find time to workout and stay fit; working to look good. Making sure we get enough hours at work so we can pay bills and bar tabs; working for the man. Trying to work in enough time to see, maintain and catch up with friends; working for community. Finding time to get all the needed housework done; working for domesticity. We also have to work towards our goals, dreams and ambitions; working for sanity. Not to mention working on our romantic lives, social lives and daily lives; working for kisses and social networking. It takes more then working nine to five just to try and make a living.
I am not opposed to hard work, but I am beginning to think we are working too hard on too many things. We work through college so that we can find and get into jobs we won’t mind working for the rest of our lives. Upon entering our jobs we are given work to do, and upon completion of said work we will be rewarded with more work. While in our occupational field we will have to work to stay friendly with our bosses, work to be polite to our colleagues, work to make sure the client is pleased and work to make sure we can keep on working. Just because we are getting paid for forty hours a week doesn’t mean we aren’t working more hours then that. Something tells me that OSHA wouldn’t have much to say if I called to complain about these types of working conditions. Pretty much we are working full time right now, so that we can work full time forever.
The seven dwarfs might have been able to whistle during it to make themselves feel better but I’m going to need more then a few repetitive notes to get me through my day. Work will always be there, in all kinds of shapes and forms and different kinds of stress, but when we have to work to remember how to have fun it has gone too far. Plus we aren’t just working for ourselves; this is not one long solo mission. Often times we are working for our friends our families and our lovers. We have to work to make sure they know who we are, what we are about and what we a working towards. Doing so much work changes a person quickly and often, so unless we want to end up working by ourselves we have to work to stay in touch. There is no way any of us would be able to work through our mountains of work and obligations unless we have people we love standing beside us. So sure, all work and no play can make life not worth living; but making sure you have people to work beside you and play with is work worth doing.