My Roman Was Defeated

My Roman was a warrior of feral tactics and vicious attitude. He was the one to rule them all. He tamed me, loved me and stripped me of what I knew. His ambition was boundless, he knew of no limits. He and I

ruled over an empire of our own design. No outside enemy could have defeated us, which is why it is so troubling to know we broke ourselves. Our insides made us weak. I clung to him while the fortress burned down around us. He sat and drank while the flames devoured our love. Our Roman Empire crumbled because of doubt and drink. My Roman was defeated by his own cup and my insecurities. The enemy on the inside greatly outweighs the enemy on the outside.

A Differnt Kind of Italian Revolution

So my iTunes has decided to no longer work on my piece of shit lap top. An error message appears whenever I try to open it up. I have loaded the most recent version three times. Backed up all my music files, wiped it from my hard drive, reloaded the brand new version and still get the same error message. Luckily my iPod can still charge, because a life with out music is barely worth getting out of bed for. I've been very loyal to some YouTube music channels so I have back ground music while I cook. Have you heard the song "Alejandro" from Lady Gaga yet? Friggin beautiful. And I've also been falling in love with the classics from Rosemary Clooney. Who wouldn't want to come to her house? The strange Madonna version from "Swept Away" is entertaining, sort of. The man is gorgeous. I digress. The point is that without iTunes I've sort of had a metaphorical revelation. If you don't have a beat to step to, you walk wrong. When I first came up to this city, I did my best to be well behaved, play nice with everyone, be demure and Midwestern, stay quiet and basically act as "white" as possible. This past weekend everything just changed, I might be surrounded by pleasant Dutch people but I am far from them. So now, I am walking a little closer to my boot-shaped-country roots. Everyone around is slowly adjusting, but they'll get over it. Besides, they got free pizza and cooking out of it, how upset could they be? I am diving into Italian heritage once again with full force. It's just so natural, I talk different now because I don't think my sentence in my head before saying it. I did that for like fourteen years, it's exhausting. I speak freely, when I want to and with out reservations. I sit a little differently, actually taking up space in the room. I made a habit out of being invisible for so long, I'm done with that. I carry myself a little different too, but it's just due to the confidence. And the home made pasta dishes. And the work outs. And the reading. Life has a whole new rhythm: joyfulness, freedom, attitude, passion, heart and Mambo Italiano beats. And of course, Italian Charm. So really nothing has changed, everything just became different...but I think it's all for the best. I'm back to being your Italian boy.

Because You're Worth It?

It might be just an ad campaign slogan, but it does bring about a good idea. At least that was how my brain thought about it today while it tried desperately to keep from falling down the rabbit hole of unconsciousness. Today was a continuation of not being filtered. But in a more internal sort of way. Today I was brutally honest, bold and outspoken to myself. I decided I wanted to trade in my gold four door, and get a black pick up truck. I decided even if there was a boy who wanted to date me, it'd be hard to do because I'm kind of dating my house. Either by making sure the kitchen is clean, double checking that the pup is taken care of, keeping up with the five guys I am privileged to live with, and occasionally spending an evening cooking or baking something for all of us to enjoy and calm down over. So, the boy who ends up wanting to be in my life, better make sure it's all worth it. What really struck me today was how badly I do not want to be in college. I keep having this repetitive de ja vu where it feels like I'm doing the same thing over and over again, and I always have the same level of excitement or passion for it. Which is borderline zero. It's like a modern version of Bill Murray's "Groundhog Day". What ever happened to Bill? "Lost in Translation" was like four years ago. Anyways. I'm liking the idea of going to massage therapist school. Doing some kind of accelerated course and being done with classes as soon as humanly possible. It is not worth it to me to be stuck in courses that make me want to never pick up a book again or put pen to paper. I do not have time for that, especially when Iran getting all trigger happy all over again. That shit is scary. So with the ever present carpe diem mentality, I have decided to start researching schools, used black trucks, and new cookie recipes. For the guys, of course. Because to me, that's what makes it all worth while. Taking care of yourself and the ones you love. F society and the educational societal norms. We only get to do this once, right? So I want to do things that won't wash out or fade over time, I want a life that is vibrant and multi-faceted. Because, I'm worth it.