The Body Of Clothes

Right now: Eleven thirty AM on Wednesday afternoon. I had to check my phone to see what the actual day of the week it was. This is, once again, due in part to my third shift tendencies. I have not slept for more then five hours, at one time, since Saturday afternoon. My last five hours session was Tuesday from two in the afternoon to about seven in the evening. What is really making me stay awake right now, besides my to-do list, is the fact that I am wearing skinny jeans, dress socks and a Vogue approved cardigan. Yes, a simple thread count is what is making my brain synapses still fire and my eyelids from completely giving themselves over to gravity and exhaustion. I think that sort of speaks volumes about me as a person. Once upon an afternoon a to-do list would have been fuel enough to keep me going, but lately I require more the a post it, i.e. the clothes. And the body that they are on. Which, is in a form that it has never been in before. Still ribby, but now there are chest muscle type things that give a slight y-shape impression. Also, my upper arms have this constant bulge like quality. And the tummy is sorta ripped, but not fully due to the four AM brownie binges. Work is not conducive to resisting junk food and bakery type edibles. Speaking of work, the adorable electrician apprentice split the back of his jeans this morning, right up the bum. React how you wish to, but I literally thanked God. Out loud. Hopefully not within ear shot. We have talked though. He's very friendly and smilely, which is wildly atypical. And, since I don't have a radar to begin with, I'm driving myself stupid. He may be, or he just might be one of those rare "nice" people. But I could have swore those went extinct the year after payphones did. You never actually meet genuine "nice" people anymore, you just hear stories about them. Like unicorns. And dinosaurs. But he is very corn-fed-grew-up-on-a-farm-in-Iowa-ish; he's very delicate looking, but could probably wrangle a horse into submission so he could nails it's new shoe on.....I have an overly active imagination. I am very tired. I think I've worked out close to five times within the last two and half days. There was training, there was the three miles I ran, there was the weight lifting, there was the physical laborness of work. No wonder. But I've got clothes in the dryer and the washer, so I can't sleep yet. At some point yesterday I was in the shower, and I invented a new song. IT was great. It was about me wanting men to be more like my Teddy Bear, and not like Ken dolls. It was epic. But I don't remember it. The second I got out of the shower reality came back and the song left my head. Sad. I did buy new body wash and body lotion, which can apparently also be used on my face, but I only trust my face to Nivea for the time being. But I stole three honking garbage bags full of empty cans and bottles from work, then returned them at Meijer so I got NAMEBRAND body wash, lotion and face scrub, all of which are made specifically for men. Fantastic. I got the new deep cleansing Dove Men+Care body wash, Vaseline Men Extra Strength and OXY face scrub for men. The face stuff has bits of charcoal in it to suck up the pollutions in my pores. I am thoroughly prepared to experience the sucking. I have yet to use the body wash or the scrub, I still have like two days worth of old dollar store products, but I did use the lotion today. It's very nice. And smells like Daniel Craig. Or, in my mind, what Daniel Craig would smell like. And my skin feels great. So, it's a win win situation. It's AG baby, it's all good! Just like this season of Desperate Housewives, a lot is happening, but it's all good. Unlike seasons three through five, I try to pretend they didn't happen. This one is popping like fireworks, even the extras are good looking and talented. You know what I love, you almost never see the ladies in the same room together, because each one has specific rooms that they look their best in. By now the set decorator, the lighting guy and the make up crew have all be instructed as to how to make the ladies look. So each one has different light to be surrounded by. It's fun to notice things like that. To me at least. I like those ladies, they're cool. Yes I know they are not real, but the situations are close to reality. Makes me want to wrestle the responsibility of being a parent even more. I need a kid of my own, it'll make me a little more grounded. Maybe I should get a puppy first. Or a boyfriend. I remember reading this article in Rolling Stone, the one with Gwen Stefani on the cover, about her and how she couldn't wait to have kids. She said they would save her from her vanity, I kind of relate to that sentence. Having kids, apparently, helps you cut the fat out of your life. Plus Gwen Stefani is completely badass, and I trust her. Can not wait for the new No Doubt cd, or even their next single. Just give me something more, soon please. Alright, I can resist the bed no longer. Caleb, that's what I named my Teddy Bear, needs me. And I him.

ps- Someone at work today saw my belly button while I was standing on top a ladder, and they said it was the most perfect belly button ever. I was both extremely embarrassed and outrageously pleased. hurray belly button

"I imagine my children are going to save me from my vanity and be my passion and fill whatever fears I have of the amazing time I'm having right now being gone." -Gwen Stefani

High Five First Day

Oh what good impressions I make. Seriously, I could give lessons in bad impressions. Although, today was not entirely due to my awkwardness and unwillingness to trust new people. Today was mostly due to the fact that I haven't slept since Friday night. Yeh, that's what's up, me. I've been up and awake and not really getting to lay down or rest, I has been a busy boy. So when this morning arrived, all cranky and snow-mageddon like, I had no choice but to Botwin my way through it. It was helpful, I actually watched the "Thirty Best Clips of Nancy and Andy" to keep me awake during my first several hour long interval. I think I'm confusing and/or not making sense. Truth be told I'm coming down off of a energy pill high. I'll explain. So working third shift has been pretty cool actually, much to my surprise. It's been hard on me, obviously, but it's been taking a toll on the relationship I have with my boys and bitch. The five guys I live with and the puppy. Oh, and the Brillo pad, but he hasn't been around. Anyways, I never see them and I don't get to go out with them and I have no patience or energy to put up with their minor flaws that once got swept under the rug just like all the other chores I did around the house, so things have been strained. To say the very least. But, while sitting in training this afternoon, I thought about it long and hard and high and considered I should make nice and let them do them. I don't need to concern or stress myself with their bad behaviors, hell, I'm the youngest out of the house; I'm the last one who should be taking roll call and dishing out chores. So I took time and talked to everyone in the house today, and I worked out, mostly to get the drugs out of my system. Now I feel human again, very tired and very human. Also, I feel terribly, terribly, out of shape. Due in part to my first day of certification training to become a PT, I thought I had me in line, nope. My BMI is a little off, my circumferences aren't what they should be, I didn't do the most crunches out of my group, I wasn't able to show off how flexible I am because I was bloated with over 14 gallons of coffee. Yeh, I was like the oldest Botwin son that hasn't been on the show yet, it was messed up. I was spacey and jittery and talked with my eyes half closed. The only reason I survived was because it was my only option. There was no way I was passing out at the gym, in front of complete strangers, most of which were highly attractive males. Highly, high. Just like my thought processes were. I was too out of it, to even make a mental rundown list of all the boys in my class. It would have been depressing anyways, it was all so high school. In a lot of ways, life is just one long continuation of high school, we just learn to deal with it better. We learn what to expect and how to cope. For instance, first day of training, I didn't have the book we were supposed to purchase offline. I didn't know we would be working out, so I wore skinny jeans and my ass kicking boots. I didn't realize we were actually going to sit through a lecture, so I didn't even have a pen! And I think at one point I accidentally winked at the instructor, who is cute and seemingly single, which is never a good way to start off. I was trying to stay awake, right, and then he noticed my head bobbing and my eyes closing, so then I tried to play it off like a wink. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. Botwin. Botwin! I need to learn to control my facial expressions. I think I physically cringed when some of the boys in my group high fived each other and used the word "bro"...high school gymsical?! Anyone? No....ok, you'll get it later. I need to eat food, I haven't had a good meal since my dad took me out for dinner on Friday night. Which was even tastier because it was a delightful evening filled with good talks. Majority of which was me bitching about my managers and housemates bad romances, but it was still awesome. I'm thinking collard greens, red chili hummus and big chunks of cheese. Hell yeh, that's what's up. That, and the fact that the hottie in the white hoodie kept staring at my all through out class. Can't tell if its interest or intent to kill. High school behavior can kiss my slightly over BMI'd ass. Where's my hummus....

"The chief reason for going to school is to get the impression fixed for life that there is a book side for everything." -R. Frost

"I've had a particularly challenging last 24 hours, but in the drive-through at Popeye's, I found myself saying, "Family Combo, please!", and it was a moment of clarity." -N. Botwin

The Lights Are Flashing

You know when you go see a play and the first act is a certain way, either sad, uplifting, serious, or delightful, and then the intermission happens. And you either get up and stretch your legs or talk about what happened in Act I or you stay seated and try to guess what will happen in Act II. You might try to figure out if the rest of the play is going to be different or the mood might change or the storyline might shift or there might be a surprise ending. Either way you think you have like twenty minutes or so to get up and walk around and try to process what happened or you can stay sitting and get lost in your own predictions of what may come next, but then either way you run out of time. Just when you are about to buy M&M's from the concession stand the lights flash on and off. Or right when you are about to solve the mystery, figure out how to save the girl and kill the bad guy the lights flash and you snap back to reality. I think the lights are flashing in my life right now, I'm about five minutes away from starting my Act II. All the other guys in the house have classes starting and they are getting ready for the second semester of the college year. And in their own ways they are all different from the previous semester. Some are single, some have more classes, some are going to be on different campuses. They're at the beginning of their Act II, but I've still got flashing lights. My training doesn't begin until February 22nd, my new position at work doesn't start until right around that time too. So I'm just circling the theater waiting until I have to take my seat again. This just gives me more time to stretch my legs to make sure I can sit through Act II. Because no matter what the playbill says, there can always be surprises. Better make sure I'm ready.

"In the theater the audience wants to be surprised but by things that they expect" -Tristan Bernard